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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
LYME REGIS TODAY (pick a headline or just scroll down):
Uplyme
Announces Surprise Bid for 2020 Olympics
Full Story: A campaign was launched today to bring the world's most prestigious sporting event to Uplyme near Lyme Regis. If successful, the bid will have wide ranging ramifications for residents and promises a bonanza for local businesses as Uplyme sets out to add its name to the illustrious list of host venues.
The campaign is to be led by local resident Linford Blistie, head of the newly formed Uplyme Olympic Committee: "The idea originally started when we heard that Sky [television] were bidding for the rights to screen the games. Paying for satellite just to watch the games seemed a waste of money so we thought we should 'cut out the middle man' and bring the games right here to our own doorstep".
Rather than being daunted by the heady logistics of staging the games, Blistie appears to be relishing the prospect. He is mindful of the criticisms leveled at the organizers of the Atlanta Olympics but lengthy evening meetings at their Hunter's Lodge office appear to have distilled the key issues: "It is a simple matter of priorities" he confides "We started with the swimming events as they always make a good splash on the telly. The Cobb seemed the obvious choice - at high tide we could provide a full size pool and there's plenty of room the spectators." (continued on page five)
- THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
- Lager - Saga - Aga - Gaga
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Cobb Crabbing rights lost to the Spanish in Quota Hopping Lunacy
Full Story: A dramatic twist to the already unpopular European Fisheries Policy took Lyme Regis dwellers by surprise this week. Generations of children have enjoyed the innocent pleasure of dangling baited string from the Cobb. Countless angry scrabbling crabs have been plonked in yellow plastic buckets, taunted and then unceremoniously dumped back into the English Channel. Yet at a bureaucratic stroke, it is all over.
The problem, it seems, all boils down to a few plates of paella. On a visit to Marbella, a delegation of local businessmen learnt that stocks of Mediterranean shore crabs had been wiped out by crazed Spanish consumers, eager to pop them into the pot for the perfect paella. The businessmen (who are now hiding in their shells for obvious reasons) returned to Lyme Regis, quietly secured the rights to the abundant crabbing grounds of the Cobb and then shamelessly sold them to Spanish fishermen for a quick profit.
Traditionalists are disgusted: "The ritual is timeless - let's face it, no child would want one of those newfangled Japanese cyber pets when you have the chance to get your little sister's finger pinched by a real live crab" says Jamie Reynolds. He is forming a fighting force to combat the threat of a modern day Spanish Armada descending on the Cobb. "We'll claw back our crabs and send the invaders scuttling back to Spain" he promises.
The Spanish seem unworried by the
threat and have responded tunefully: "Oh your crabs are off to sunny Spain (dum di dum) et Viva Espania! Your protestations are a pain (dum di dum) et Viva Espania! Your kiddies' loss is our tummies' gain (dum di dum) Espania we want more!!! Grassy ass for everysing gringos!".
Hands up everyone who wants to be a European........
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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
Just inland from Lyme Regis lies some beautiful unspoilt countryside and lurking somewhere there, deep in a remote valley are the international headquarters of that notorious worldwide conglomerate, Lyme Juice Publications. An assortment of "webby yet country folk" inhabit the headquarters and they've come up with this rural technology guide. The list is designed to guide the misguided and vice-versa, enough said.......
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: When you’ve made the stove too hot.
WINDOWS: What you open when you’ve made the stove much too hot.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the truck.
MEGA HERTZ: Getting the firewood off the truck carelessly.
FLOPPY DISC: A back pain incurred getting too much firewood off the truck in one go.
RAM: When you accidentally drive the truck into the wood pile.
HARD DRIVE: Getting the truck out of the wood pile again
BYTE: What fish do.
CHIPS: Come with fish.
MICRO CHIPS: Come with small fish
MODEM: What you did to lawns.
DOT MATRIX: Mrs. Matrix to you.
LAP TOP: Where the dog likes to be.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang your keys.
SOFTWARE: Cashmere jumpers.
HARDWARE: Wellies with steel toe caps
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
PORT: Where ships berth
ENTER & RETURN: Posh ways of saying "come in" and "come back"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When your wife forgets how much the shopping cost.
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Full Story: A group of dare devil naturists from the specialist holiday agency NAVEL (Nude Adventure Vacation Expeditions to Lyme) have been left gawping at their goosebumps after a nasty incident on Golden Cap. The group had intended to scale the peak and then abseil down the cliff to the beach. However the friction from the ropes proved too much for the nudists to bare, leaving them dangerously exposed and dangling helplessly 120 feet above the ground. Rescue teams, who initially believed they were being hoaxed, arrived after three hours to get the "chilly-sillies" down to earth.
Lyme Regis tourism chiefs are not amused by such frantic antics. "When you strip it down to the naked truth, we do not need their bare cheek here in Lyme Regis" says Mr. Prewde "It is the sort of thing that could cause our older residents to have a stroke. I'll give them a good thumping and chase them out of town if they dare to return".
The international managing director of NAVEL, Ms. Ursula Undress has been kept abreast of the situation and is concerned. "I think we need to watch our behinds on this matter. We shall provide additional cover for our clients in future to ensure that nobody will be able to touch us".
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Full Story by top juice reporter, J. Kirk: Two children playing truant from school have made a historic find in cliffs at an undisclosed location in the Lyme Regis area. Fossilized remains dating back thirteen million years appear to support a popular American theory that vulcans once roamed the shores of Britain.
The fossil is in good condition, bearing a remarkable resemblance to Homo Sapiens but having longer, pointed ears and a larger brain. Scientists have always believed that vulcans only exist in the imaginations of people who have been exposed to too many episodes of Star Trek but are swiftly revising their ideas. A boffin at the Natural History Museum in London Exclusively confided to Lyme Juice that "if the find is validated, it could undermine the entire theory of evolution". Bad news for Darwin but surely the cue for more fossil hunters to descend on the area.
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Ghost confirmed in Lyme Regis guest house
Full Story: A Fleet Street "rat pack" photographer stayed at a reputedly haunted B&B in Lyme Regis last night and reported the following incident to Lyme Regis police this morning: "As the clock struck midnight, an apparition appeared in my room. I scrabbled for my camera and although the batteries for my flash gun were low, I snapped away furiously. I could not believe my luck when the ghost turned 'supermodel' and began posing for me. But alas, the pictures have not come out well. It seems that: "The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak." [will someone stop this drivel please...]
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The King is dead, long live the King.
A spate of bizarre incidents reported in the Lym Valley is to be the focus of a new expedition headed by former special forces daredevil Wersa King. The expedition hopes to unravel the mysterious incidents which have rendered dog walkers and ramblers fearful to leave the safety of their houses. One resident, identified only as "K.A." emailed Lyme Juice with his own experience: "I had an encounter with a mysterious beast and a man who seemed to have an ethereal glow about him. He seemed to be wearing a silvery, one-piece suit with a cape. I freely admit that I hid in a hedge on that dark night and as man and beast disappeared around the corner, I swear I heard the tall, heavy and sequined figure singing softly "You ain't nuthin' but a hound dog"."
If the ground breaking expedition is safely completed, it could clear the way numerous new inland tourism opportunities, including safaris around the Lym Valley and preliminary discussions are underway with the council for the erection of an official "Elivis woz ‘ere" graffiti wall.
Story compiled with assistance from and thanks to "K.A."
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Full Story: Lyme Regis police hunting a psychic midget who escaped from jail recently are appealing for help from the general public in the Lyme Regis area. "Our main difficulty is that he seems to know where we are going to be before we arrive" explains the chief inspector leading the investigation. Rumours that the entire story is a wholly groundless fabrication designed by Lyme Juice simply to create an entertaining headline are totally with foundation.
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